ELEVEN THINGS OUR CHILD WILL NEVER HAVE: A NOT-SO-SUBTLE COMMENTARY ON CONSUMER CULTURE

1. Schoenhut toy baby grand piano — $2650. If he wishes to learn how to play the piano, he can do so on our lovely antique Heintzman upright. We’d even be willing to get it tuned for him.

2. Baby Dior bottle — $199 (for one teeny bottle — but it does come with a bonus cotton t-shirt). Sadly, he will have to wait until he’s earning his own money before he can “truly be the talk of the town with (the) elegance and sheer beauty that only Dior can emulate.”

3. Bugaboo+Missoni “Limited Edition” fabric kit for the Chameleon/Bee stroller — $310 (this is in addition to the $1000 you have to shell out for the stroller in the first place). I’m sorry, but I think it looks rather like the early 90’s vomited on some canopy fabric. And the words “limited edition” in relation to any baby product generally rub me the wrong way.

4. The Roddler stroller — $3500. For more money than many people spend on a used car, you too can have a rather unattractive stroller that the company’s website proudly proclaims in their FAQ is “not for everyday use.” Speaking of website, I have never in my life seen so many spelling, punctuation, capitalization and grammar mistakes on a marketing site for a supposedly “upscale” product. Even worse, the manufacturer appears to have some sort of association with the Kardashian sisters, which makes this product all the more distasteful.

5. Hermes colouring book— $135. A 15 x 11 inch book of “12 pages with 24 designs for you to fill with colour.” In other words, a colouring book. Have you seen what little kids do to colouring books?!

6. Baby UGG boots — $85. I have a bias, in that I’m really not a fan of these boots to begin with, but let’s get back to the real issue here: the utter ridiculousness of spending $85 on footwear for a kid that can’t even walk yet.

7. Gucci diaper bag — $1180. I certainly hope our kid is not crapping his pants for long enough to justify spending this kind of money on a diaper bag!

8. Ed Hardy baby t-shirt — $44. In this case, I don’t so much object to the $44 price tag as to the notion of priming a three-month-old to become a douchebag.

9. Juicy Couture bibs (3-pack) — $80. Bibs are designed for catching vomit, drool and undigested food. What gives?

10. OFFI Nest bassinet — $1400. Not unless he’s going to sleep in this thing until he’s ready for college…

11. Matouk Minnow crib bedding set — $935. This price doesn’t take into account the fact that most people like to have an extra fitted sheet ($115) and an extra changing pad cover ($100) for those inevitable baby body fluid explosions.

3 responses to “ELEVEN THINGS OUR CHILD WILL NEVER HAVE: A NOT-SO-SUBTLE COMMENTARY ON CONSUMER CULTURE

  1. This made me laugh! Especially the Ed Hardy douchebag comment. I agree =). In my opinion a quality baby carrier and a good stroller are the only investments that may require a little deep digging into the wallet. I hate the pressure to buy all this unnecessary ‘stuff’.

  2. Hahaha. Someone gifted me a pair of baby Uggs. Never used them. Ended up giving them to a friend when she had her second. He was a preemie born in December and she said the boots were good for keeping his feet warm. Happy they at least got some use.

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