I couldn’t resist sharing a few excerpts from the website of a local personal training gym (that shall remain unnamed). It may sound like a parody, but it’s not. The text in parentheses is my own commentary.
“We are stocked with amazing new equipment from Techno Gym Wellness Company. We love the quality and technology they have to offer. Surf the internet, charge your ipod and/or watch HD TV all while doing your cardio on an air-conditioned machine! Not bad is right… and that’s just the cardio equipment.”
(And while we’re at it, why not build a La-Z-Boy recliner, a chip bowl and a beer cooler into these ‘exercise’ machines?)
“Our free weights feature ROTO 360 to allow an independent 360° rotation of the handle to prevent both excessive weight loading and tension on the wrists.”
(I’m still trying to figure out how this newfangled technology helps avoid excessive weight loading with dumbbells (yes dumbbells, not barbells). Was there some sort of problem with the old way of avoiding excessive loading… you know, just picking up a lighter dumbbell? If you’re interested in reading a bunch of nonsensical industry jargon, read all about the benefits of ROTO 360 here.)
“Our plates are designed for ease of use. The special design makes these new plates easy and safe to handle and carry, and the colour-contrasted engraved weight markings ensure that they are even easier to read.”
(Talk about creating solutions to problems that don’t exist! If you’re strong enough to lift/press it, you ought to be strong enough to safely carry it across the gym and load it onto a bar. And since when has it been so difficult to read the markings on weight plates that we now require special high-contrast text?)
“We also have the new Kinesis One a versatile and effective strength training machine good for all levels.”
(Cool. Another over-engineered contraption with a meaningless, gimmicky name.)
If you haven’t experienced Techno Gym, it’s time you have! Revolutionizing the way you workout, we are proud to offer you the luxuries that Techno Gym has to offer.
(We take the “work” out of working out!)
I will leave you with an infomercial for a great new piece of workout gear: